The Misunderstanding.
There’s another interesting thing about Friday, in terms of unusual for me. I found myself sort of frozen when presented with multiple choice situations… kind of like “Oh my god… What is he doing? What am I supposed to do?!” lol. I didn’t really think about it after that moment, but it’s very interesting to sort of sit here and replay various bits of the evening, especially after now having a better idea why certain things were said and done. I guess that’s kind of a nice part, in a sense, of having ‘debrief’ time with people after events. That of course would lead me to a rather long tangent about how when we’re subtle the wrong impression is received sometimes… It was particularly interesting when Matthew took me into the bathroom, lol… and no, he didn’t slam me into the wall and start molesting me or anything, it just had the weird effect of starting a conversation that we’d continue while upstairs overlooking everybody. Especially because I was like… “uhmmm…” when he grabbed me and said “let’s go to the bathroom” …I’d generally expect someone, hmmm, like Patrick for example to do that, hehe.
I don’t remember for certain if he said the next words to me while still at the Velvet Rope or later at his friends’ house, but regardless it was a very interesting realization for me. He said something to the effect of “I think you missunderstood me when we were at Luke’s.” I don’t think I wrote in any detail about that night two weeks ago, or how I really felt about it in relationship to what we were about to talk about, but the point here is that there was a moment where things could have gone either way between us that night. I also think that he perhaps learned that saying “I want a friend” yet still expecting the boy on top of him to kiss him isn’t the best of ideas, lol. Pretty much instantly when he said that I stopped and backed way off… sort of like ‘alright, if you’re not interested, that’s fine.’ Yeah, it was a little disappointing though, and confusing.
Keep in mind, this was during that period where Patrick and I were NOT together, and he was out that weekend with someone whom I’d describe to be somewhat an equal with Matthew in regards to how we feel about them. Also, as the night and next day progressed, which is equally important, I found myself coming to the decision that I’d much rather attempt to fix the situation between Patrick and me anyway.
At Kate & Jill’s we were sitting outside on their balcony area when I saw him start going down the stairs. I asked him where he was going, to which he said he was going for a walk. I told him I would join him and I did. I didn’t really know what was going to happen, but I had this overwhelming urge to be with him, I just got that impression that he needed someone to talk with, otherwise I figure he would have asked to be alone.
Kate & Jill have this sort of carriage house behind their home, it has stairs that lead up to the roof, we went up those stairs and stopped on the landing. I found myself, for no apparent reason, gripping the railing quite strongly, but then we started talking.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship, that he wasn’t interested in me, but when he said that he wanted a friend, he meant that he wanted a friend more than a romantic relationship. Considering at this point Patrick and I had ‘reunited’ for lack of the ability to put it better, the issue really was rather moot. Regardless though, it was something that had weighed on my mind and obviously on his as well. I suppose it is especially important because when we had met, I did meet him with the intentions of having something more, but then I’d moved on to wanting just a friend… which is when I met Patrick, my “I don’t want a relationship” turned blissfully into me wanting one, it just took the right person.
Matthew and I had one of the worst starts to a friendship that I can ever remember having… We’d go months without talking, then we’d talk a lot, make plans, then we’d break them, repeat. We weren’t communicating with each other what we wanted, so he’s thinking I’m still interested in one thing, I’m thinking he’s interested in the other, it just wasn’t meshing up. In the middle of March I emailed him and invited him to the party Patrick was having, made it clear that Patrick was my boyfriend and that I just thought he’d have a good time if he came. He didn’t, but he did call and tell me he was interested in going… then something, as usual, came up, sadly it was his boyfriend basically flaking out on him. We sort of went through the same song and dance a little more, still not seeing each other, but calling randomly and talking occasionally.
Through all of this though, I still liked him. That one evening we’d spent together talking over martinis made an impression, and a good one. I saw something within him that I knew would be worthwhile, I can say that I didn’t give up on him, I wanted to be his friend. We live in the same town, have similar interests, and generally I’d say we get along tremendously well. Why wouldn’t I want someone like that in my life? …even if it was on such sporadic occasions? Friends are difficult to find, especially ones that live so nearby. Most of the people I consider my friends live a day’s driving away, or require airfare to see! It seems almost pointless to mention that both of us have had our share of awful people in our lives, we’ve been disrespected, hurt, and have had our efforts wasted. These experiences wear away at us.
So when he asked me, and at this point I believe we both had tears in our eyes, if I would be his friend, I put my arms around him, held him tightly, and told him most emphatically that I would.
I really appreciated the fact we were able to actually talk about that sort of… I’m not even sure how to describe it, it wasn’t so much a tension, but just something within us that had gone unfinished or otherwise unanswered. We were able to make things right between us, to agree in regards to what exactly our relationship was, and it felt good to discuss it.
Patrick was, at first, a little upset that I didn’t leave from York to spend the night up there with him, but I’m glad that he understood why I felt I needed to stay down there once I explained this to him. Two friends just needed to spend time with each other and truly talk with one another.