indiboi.com

Ever since I setup my bar downstairs I’ve had a bit of an unwritten rule about drinking alone; Simply that I’m not allowed to do it.

This rule is flexible, in that anything that comes in a bottle, in terms of beer or malt beverages would be excluded. This rule also excludes the consumption of wine. I’m not really one to open up a bottle of wine for just myself, but… it’s not hard alcohol and is exempted by virtue of nature.

I really started to fastly abide by this rule after this one incident earlier this year, while there was still snow on the ground, when I drank vodka tonics to the point of inviting someone from a chat room over… and then smoking up with him in my shed.

You see, I used to drink, and when I say drink, I mean to say that I was a drunk. The word alcoholic doesn’t really suit me, because if I’m with other people I’m not all that likely to drink to intoxication anymore, but then… lately that has been blown out of the water as a general rule too.

I know how to restrain myself if I’m around anyone else, it’s the problem of the complete lack of restraint when I’m all alone. I’ll make a drink, make another, and keep making drinks and consuming them until I cannot possibly function to make anymore.

Right now I’m sitting on the couch in my lounge, the halogens are dimmed, I have six oil candles burning, I’m listening to my iPod playing over the surround… I’m drinking a cosmopolitan, the glass is sitting near to an empty bottle of wine.

I tried to abide by my rules.

I broke them Tuesday morning. Upon arriving home I mixed a double sidecar. At least, I guess, I’m still drinking expensive cognac, right?

The entire drive home I was trying to decide if I’d do it… if I’d drink alone. I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t, but I knew that I’d be doing it anyway.

The thing about it, I really haven’t consumed any hard alcohol alone since that night back in the winter, until Tuesday morning. At least, I can’t remember doing it… and I figure I’d remember… at least starting the process.

I’ve felt this “I don’t give a fuck” feeling since Tuesday morning… I cried because I didn’t know what I’d do with myself, what I’d do next, if I’d do what I felt I wanted to do… or if I’d somehow find something… anything.

Let’s call it serendipity, someone I’d wanted to spend some time with was available Tuesday… having sent me a message on aim a mere five minutes after I’d returned home from all the activities that were required of me. It’s odd how salvation can be found in those unlikely sources, isn’t it?

I know, had I not been occupied with him, watching a movie with him, I’d have been drunk my noon.

I didn’t drink last night, Wednesday, though I did Tuesday, with the company of my dear friend. I did make another drink after he left, just to get me to the point where I’d almost feel okay.

In fact, I almost felt okay while hanging out with this new friend, I guess you could say… He proved to be a good distraction.

So, I’m drunk, I’m alone… and, I’m really quite prepared to lash out at just about anyone that I feel has wronged me.

I wrote this same title on the 31st of July last year. In fact, a paragraph I wrote then rings fairly true right now as well:

“There’s love, love that is fulfilling and ocassionally painful, I prefer that, but it isn’t enough, because what I want in this life, now, it goes beyond love… at least beyond platonic. I’m feeling left behind… and that I’m getting older without really experiencing so many of the things that I really want to. There’s never really been anyone that swept me up and away from the rather stern and conservative ideas I’ve always felt… at least not completely enough. I guess that’s the key idea, nothing has ever really been enough… I can get so very close, but there’s always something. And then… there’s someone that I want to completely take me away, that I trust…. almost enough, and it never happens. Or… it does happen, and you realize that you were wrong the entire time, and after the fact none of it was worth it anyway; although, in a way it was, because something was still experienced.”

I found myself walking down this deserted city street tonight, with the rain falling gently and bouncing off back into the air. There was no one that could see me crying, but regardless I held back as much as I could, my body still trembling from holding back the tears just before.

We had been standing there, in this embrace that epitomized love of deepest form, and I knew if it would have lasted one moment longer my eyes, welled up with tears, could not have held. No matter how much either of us may have been attempting to stave that off, I felt the droplets roll down my cheeks, I saw him quickly wipe away his as I wiped away mine.

I had been sitting there silent, praying for the courage to be visibly angry. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted that fury boiling within me to surface, but how could I? How can could I possibly behave that way toward someone I love so deeply? It would have been easier for him if I’d shown my anger, but he knew; that I was furious, that he had hurt me, what my silence meant.

My nightmare had come true, just later than expected. Six years and some odd weeks. One word, then another, escaped his mouth. My body tensed, I looked at my coat, my bag, the door… I started to interrupt, I was going to ask him to clarify, but that clarity came the instant I began to speak, I told him I was five seconds from walking out. My happiness, every ounce of hope contained within me, that very moment, it was gone. I knew right then that I had to leave, and if I left, I’d be leaving forever. I wanted, oh so badly, to leave, to simply abandon everything that we’ve ever had, but within that same instant, I knew that I would forever regret doing that.

I walked to the door, telling him I needed a cigarette. He remained seated, I looked at him again, assuring him that he could join me. I knew he wouldn’t, at first, he knew to give me a few minutes alone, but he did then join me outside. I was shivering, the spiced smoke billowing out around me; he began to tell me how he’s never quite been able to forgive himself for what he’d done in our past. It was the worst thing he could have done, until just then, but somehow over the years I had been able to forgive him. That night, years ago, I did walk out on him and everything that made my life what it was, and even though we’d seen each other occasionally, I hadn’t really come back, until recently.

It was “fight or flight” and as he told me he loves me, I told him he’s worth fighting for, otherwise I’d not be standing there. I am worth fighting for too.

What do we do now? What do I do now? I’ve been happier over the last few weeks than I can remember being in years, does it abruptly end? Perhaps so, on some levels, perhaps not on some others. That door, once opened, cannot be closed, at least not for me. I know now, more than ever before, what I want, the problem is, I doubt it will be enough.

As much as I feel I can’t see him, for as much as I feel I want to see him, I know that I need to see him. I do love him, I have loved him, I shall continue to love him; for another six years, for the rest of our lives. “With a love that shall not die till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old.”

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Ear Gauge & How to Gauge Ears:

Mine are no longer gauged, as I’ve moved beyond that system. They’re 7/16ths of an inch, though I mostly wear 1cm jewelry. I took approximately eight months to get to 00 gauge from standard piercing gun size, using tapered acrylic “claws” for every step, about a size a month. Going slowly and allowing for healing between sizes has allowed me to have a fairly nice looking stretch, versus some that I’ve seen on others, eww. I had both of my ears pierced with the gun when I was twelve, that’s fourteen years ago. Do not use a gun these days, go to a professional, it will cost more, but trust me, a piercing gun is BAD, BAD, BAD.

Bacardi Ciclone:

That stuff is just okay, it’s basically a premixed drink, but think about it: rum and tequila mixed together? …does that really seem appealing to you? Take my advice, pass on that, even if you think the bottle is cool.

Hedgren Urban Bag:

I had one of these, bought it at the Samsonite store at the outlets in Hagerstown. It really is a nice bag, except the magnetic snap closure would pull out through the ultra thin (another bad thing) nylon. I replaced it with a wonderful Tom Bihn small cafe bag, while much more simple, I like it a lot better.

Sculpy for Ears Plugs:

I tried this, worked out okay, but it’s very difficult to get two that match, and even more difficult is getting them to be the proper size. Screw it, just buy good ones, they’re worth it.

MI-5 on A&E:

Yes, I think they cancelled it. If not it is on some horribly long hiatus. I really enjoyed that program too, the bastards.

Shaving Soap Recipe:

Any soap recipe will work, basically, just add some bentonite clay for added slip, about 2 tablespoons per pound of oils. Mix it up with ‘raw’ oil when you go to mix it into the soup mixture, otherwise you’ll have a clump-o-rama from hell.

Djarum Bali Hai Naturales Cloves:

These are a very tropical clove cigarette. I do like them, but tend to associate them distinctly with spiced rum & cokes, this dumb boy I fell in love with, and hanging out in this deadend town to the southeast of here. As you might have guessed, I tend to avoid purchasing them these days.

20 Gauge Ears:

This is basically what you get when you pierce with a gun, approximately the size of all standard earrings.

Hyundai Tiburon:

I owned a 1998 model, it was deep purple, nearly black. I loved that car, it had massive power. Sadly, I had to give it up when I started my company… I needed the capital for that instead.

“how to be a good boyfriend what are the steps” & “ideal boyfriend” & “steps to being a good boyfriend”

These gave me a chuckle, I think I’ll just leave it at that. I’m fairly tempted to write an entry just on that subject in the future though.

Ikea Lack Shelf Hardware Screws:

Use the biggest ones that’ll fit, with the strongest wall anchors you can find. Otherwise you’ll find the shelves tilting horrifyingly south if you put anything of substantial weight on them. Also, remember, they’re only designed to hold 7 pounds… not 400 cds. ;)

Ikea Brigad:

Lovely hard anodized aluminium cookware. It’s quasi-nonstick, cleans up easily, is quite hefty, and highly recommended by me for cost-effective fabulous kitchen goals. A complete set of two saucepans, two pots, and a frying pan will cost you just $125. This is as close as you’re going to get to the best cookware without jumping into the $100 per piece range, in my humble opinion.

Man Purse:

Go ahead and get one, once you do you’ll fully realize how ‘women had it right’ in carrying their purses around everywhere. I recommend Tom Bihn, since that’s the one I have, heh.

“emachine won’t turn on after being unplugged”

Did you plug it back in? I’m sorry you own an emachine though. As sucky as having a computer die is, you’re probably better off. Save up your money and buy a quality computer, meaning, get yourself an Apple.

“ever tried cheer dark”

Yep, Matthew & I recommend it for dark clothing. However; you’ll want to get some woolite dark for more quality items like your fancy black trousers; reserve the Cheer Dark for things like jeans or cotton sweaters, underwear, etc. I don’t trust it for dressier clothing because it is still a relatively general purpose fabric detergent.

Queer Ravers:

So cute, really… so brainless, really. The phrase “retard boy” comes to mind here, the first letter can easily be dropped for full effect too.

“how much wax needed per 6oz candle”

Your ratio is 16oz of wax by weight will equal 20 oz of wax by volume.

“hanes no-fly trunks price”

$10 per package of four at walmart. They’re cut HUGE, just to warn you. ;)

“kitchenaid and hechts”

I bought mine there, a 5 quart Artisan. Hecht’s sale price is everyone else’s regular price. They inflate the ‘regular’ price by about $100 per model for sales.

Copper Cookware:

Probably the best stuff you can get, in a sense. Thin and highly heat conductive, you have great control over the cooking process. If you’re not what I’d consider an excellent cook though, you’d probably hate it.

“cure for dracaena root rot”

What did you do? Overwatered. Draceana family plants like things to dry out completely and then be drenched with water, repeat. If your roots are rotting you have a definite problem that needs to be corrected in terms of culture, your watering habits. You could cut off the rotted roots, sprinkle them with some growth hormone, but I’ve never tried that. You can also “dust” the cut ends with cinnamon, as it does have antifungal/bacterial qualities. I did that with my phal orchid that I inadvertantly purchased with rotted roots… it died nearly instantly; it would have died anyway.

“mdf versus wood and baseboard”

I love mdf, and with its excellent machinability (meaning it can be routed very easily), it’d be great stuff for any sort of accent trim — just as long as you plan to prime & paint the surfaces.

“purchase djarum blacks”

Esmokes.com is a great place, but I tend to buy mine up the hill at the Choice Cig Outlet.

“frederick md gay bars”

Well, there’s the Deerpark Lodge in between Frederick & Hagerstown… it is awful of course. If you’re in Frederick do yourself a favor and go on down to DC.

“the leaves on my dracaena are going yellow margarita”

If it’s just the bottom leaves nothing is wrong, the plant will yellow and drop the bottom leaves as it grows and this completely normal. However; if it is all over your plant is sick. You’re probably overwatering it, the roots are rotting. Sorry, but it is probably done for at this point.

“gay davey”

Yes, he is. ;)

“whoreboi”

That’d be Cole.

Kiwi Preserves:

I made this on a whim, it’s really good, but incredibly sweet, perhaps overly so. The recipe was in a booklet that came with my “Jelly Making Kit” by Ball. If I recall correctly I used liquid pectin, thus the recipe is probably in that package too.

“fix imac keyboard spilled”

Buy a new one, sorry; next time be more careful… I should talk, hah, I’ve ruined quite a few keyboards that way.

“pennsylvania liquer stores discount”

Could you get me one? Other than the monthly sales, which usually doesn’t correspond to what I want to buy, lol.

“ipod dock solder”

My ipod dock broke at the solder connection for the line out. I popped it open, soldered it back together and works as good as new; saving me forty dollars.

“i hate comcast”

Me too, but they do have a pretty good stranglehold on broadband internet and television services here; which is probably why I hate them so much. I’d much rather have satellite tv and keep my cable internet, but of course I’d still have to pay for TV, either directly or indirectly through a cute little non-subscriber fee they have; bastards.

“i want to shag”

Me too, someone in particular though, lol…

“what kind of math is used in making soap?”

Unless you want to get super technical, there isn’t much math involved anymore. You just plug your oil amounts into an internet lye calculator, like the one at thesage.com, and it’ll do all the hard work for you, with brilliant computer precision.

Pier 1 Pampas Chair:

I convinced the woman to buy one of these a while back, I absolutely love its understated modern simplicity. It’s also very comfortable.

“communication patterns in when harry met sally”

Oh dear… I’m dying of laughter here… but for reasons explained elsewhere.

Hanging Stemware Rack:

Make one, I did.

“buzzing lights dimmer switch ikea”

With Halogen lighting you will have a somewhat noticible buzz when using any ordinary dimmer. If you at least have a quality dimmer, say for example a Lutron that costs about $30, this hum/buzz shouldn’t be too annoying. Halogen lighting technically requires a special dimmer, and these cost between $100 and $200 depending on if the fixture is magnetic or electronic. If it’s magnetic it’ll be very heavy. ;)

Panasonic HT-05:

A very nice (affordable) surround sound system. I recommend it.

Pleather Headboard:

I made one about a year and a half ago, basically take a piece of plywood, wrap it in fabric batting, wrap with the vinyl, staple into place on the back. Hang it on the wall or affix it to the bedframe, good luck.

“is grinding with other guys disrespectful?”

If you’re doing it in front of your boyfriend, but otherwise have at it. ;)

“creme brulee didn’t set”

I had this problem recently, but I haven’t written about it yet. Okay, first problem is the recipe… but realistically that shouldn’t be a problem… a few eggs and some heavy cream, when heated and mixed together will turn into custard, it’s a chemical reaction fact. The real problem is temperature and time. Get an oven thermometer, when in doubt, just keep baking it, baking it, and baking it… It took 1.5 hours at least in my oven, when it should have only taken 40 minutes. Keep in mind that your ramekins might be a different size than the ones the recipe author used, bigger ones will take more time, smaller will take less.

“split box spring cost”

The difference in cost for a split box spring and a regular box spring is usually horrifying. Part of me really wishes I had bought the split box spring for my queen bed, but yikes… I’d go without and get a nice platform bed frame, and I’d still be saving money!

Geez, I could keep doing this forever, lol… I’m going to stop for now, my boredom has successfully been squished.

Wine and chocolate is one of the nicest things even if judging solely on simplicity. One must be very careful when selecting the wine and type of chocolate, and that’s really another topic entirely, but I did want to make note of something utterly amazing that I enjoyed with a friend recently.

I made chocolate truffles following this recipe from Ghirardelli, something extremely simple consisting of chocolate chips, cream, and butter, and followed by a rolling in unsweetened cocoa powder. I’m a big fan of good truffles, but to actually purchase them already made is usually a cost prohibitive experience causing one to reserve them for special occasions only.

Now, of course, this was a special occasion, but I felt that I would be neglecting some form of duty by purchasing them, so I made them as I mentioned above. On their own they are absolutely delicious, but there is something that will cause what can be referred to as a flavor explosion, making them even better.

Sherry, whilst the dry versions are often used for cooking, the sweeter versions, sometimes called cream sherry, are amazing as a dessert and can be used to quite perfect result as an after-dinner cordial.

As an apertif, and I know the idea of eating chocolate prior to a meal may seem absurd, but bear with me on this one. I’m not talking about the sweet americanized milk chocolate here, but lovely dark chocolate with a tinge of bitterness. Dry sherry would not quite work, and cream sherry, I think, would spoil the chocolate as it would be too sweet in contrast to the dark chocolate’s more bitter nature. I’m sure you’re getting the idea that this is about balance, as is most of life in general; versatility is ever so important.

Enter something known as medium sherry; the perfect blend of dry and sweet. It is perfect prior to dinner as an aperitif, and also after dinner as a cordial. There’s one particular sherry, and I am heartily recommending it; Williams & Hubert Dry Sack Medium Sherry.

So this is the perfect “oh shit, dinner is taking longer than I expected” savior, a nibble on a dark chocolate truffle and a sip of sherry. Think of the process as a very upscale tequila shot. ;)

A bottle of sherry is also a very economical pursuit, the first beautiful thing about sherry is that it will keep (after opening) for several weeks and still maintain optimum flavor — as opposed to a typical table wine that will turn quite nasty after about three days. Another beautiful aspect is the cost, at approximately $12 (per PA LCB Store) the Dry Sack is an absolute steal.