indiboi.com

I realize I’ve been writing quite a bit about love and relationships lately. Readers are at a distinct disadvantage because I tend to be (very) vague at times and thus may not see the ‘big picture’ that I’m referring to. The irony is that the ones most likely to fully understand are the ones that wouldn’t be reading this anyway.

When I started writing this journal back in 2000 the web was a very different place. The perception of privacy was easy to maintain for one’s self. Over the years it has become readily apparent that anything written will be archived somewhere and thus once anything is written it is out there in the open, uncontrolled by the author. Now, when I write, I do have to take consideration of this. I know some will say that you should write whatever you’d like, and I do, still… I just may protect the entry, or make it private completely. There are also instances where I’ll write two entries, one with vivid and dangerous detail for my own archival purposes, and another somewhat sanitized for the general public. This is because I want to share my life, that is afterall the entire point of this being online. I also need to take responsibility for my words by taking into consideration what will happen after I hit “publish.”

I do not want to cause pain with what I write, but I know I have in the past. Over the years I have learned that when I write something I know could hurt someone, and I’m writing it solely for my own benefit, there is no reason to make it available to anyone else. It is terribly uncouth for me to allow someone to read my opinion before I have shared it with them personally.

I haven’t gone off the deep end, I’ve not instantly fallen in love. The situation I find myself in now is something that has been growing, and in some ways been avoided, for so many years that it predates the creation of this journal. I suppose the only thing else to be said on the subject is that I am happy.

I thought the show was cancelled, but apparently there is a new season, it’ll be on Saturdays at 10pm (on A&E of course). Yay! If any of you haven’t seen it, I strongly recommend a viewing.

Like the Diet 7-Up of Happiness, love is the small things.

Doing things we do not have to, that are not expected, because they are nice, because they bring the other happiness, and bringing the other happiness brings yourself happiness; life is worthwhile.

Without thought, analyzation, nor agenda; without regard to being proper, but because it feels right, it feels good, these are the small things.

When your boyfriend’s eyes well with tears because you brought him flowers; that hug coming at just the right moment, when it is most needed; the unexpected kiss that lifts your day completely; the pack of clove cigarettes; English tea in the morning; small things that go so far beyond what they really are.

Invisible goals, I call them. When they are achieved it makes the day just a bit better, for you and for him.

I use the phrase “well, I try” far too often. I caught myself recently, and followed up with “no, I do.” He then said to me “Yes, you do.”

I was in the car with my family lastnight, my mother says “I accomplished nothing this year.” Without thought I replied with “I did.”

I had a Valentine’s Day where I was treated with respect, where so much effort was expended to make me feel special and cared for. I cherish that.

I was my brother’s bestman at his wedding to one of the most wonderful women I know. I was there at the hospital at four in the morning when their child was born. I’ve witnessed their struggles and successes as they become amazing parents. I have done whatever I can to help them with their new life, even if it wasn’t exactly convenient for me to do so.

I have re-united with those I have been estranged from. I have said those things I always have found most difficult, and heard those from others. I have done my best to bring no pain, and when I have, I’ve done my best to bring healing. I’ve admitted my feelings, taken down those barriers around my heart. Emotions that I have kept locked within my heart for years, I finally gave them light.

I was given apologies, and I gave forgiveness. I have recognized that we, as human beings, will make mistakes. I have learned from my mistakes. Our imperfections compliment, where one has weakness the other can provide strength. Together we are stronger.

I know now, more than ever, that sometimes we just need to be there to listen. Sometimes things that don’t need to be said, really should be said anyway.

I experienced true romance as both the recipient and provider. I have made dinner for someone I love and of the same had dinner made for me. I have been shown passion of the greatest intensity, and returned that as powerfully.

I learned to stay, even when all I wanted was to run away. There are things, people, worth fighting for tooth and nail, and I know I am also worth fighting for.

I have friends that I love dearly, and they love me just as strongly. I have spent sleepness nights awake with them, I have been there for them when needed, and likewise, I know I can and do turn to them for support whenever necessary. We have cried and laughed together.

I have pushed through my fears, battled and conquered, realizing that there are risks worth taking. There is an opportunity everyday to make a difference. It is important to find that opportunity and take full advantage of it. There is value to be found within everything.

I have completed my year long project of the Lounge; our sanctuary away from the ills of our world, if only for brief periods of time. I have planted and maintained my rose garden as tribute to my grandmother. I have become, in the words of a friend “quite the gourmet chef.” I have a kitchen, so equipped, as to inspire envy. I learned how to artfully fold napkins. I grew forty different herbs, having later planted them in my new herb garden. I began to grow orchids and I have a veritible jungle of thriving houseplants.

My process of becoming more healthy has continued. I went from a size 40 waist to a 34. My self-image has improved, I no longer fear the mirror as I once did.

I celebrated Halloween with a friend in grand style, spending all night and morning prior creating our costumes. In similar fashion we spent the night and morning prior to Thanksgiving baking together for our families. We had extravagant Christmas celebrations, both with family and friends; friends that I also consider to be a family. We brought in the new year, all of us together for the first time, and I kissed someone I love after midnight. I also cannot fail to mention sharing the most memorable and wonderful birthday I can ever remember having.

These are all accomplishments, be they large or small, they are important.

I endeavor to live richly, and I share that wealth freely with those I care for. While I do not know what may be ahead, I do know there will undoubtedly be pain, I also know there will certainly be joy. The tears, they’re not of sadness, but happiness, I found what I’ve been wanting and tasted of life I continue to look forward to.