Life has been a bit difficult over the last few weeks, and I think it shows at least somewhat through a couple of my slightly unhinged journal entries.
I’ve been working considerably more than I usually do, and that work has been very taxing on my coding skills. I’m maintaining the idea that it will all be very worth it, but my motivation starts to fail every now and then lately.
I’m not sure if I’m articulating where my motivation is coming from… to him, for fear of being too intense. I know I’ve hinted at it, and spoken in generalities of why I’m doing what I’ve been doing.
Approximately a week ago I had the desire to say “fuck it.” I didn’t, instead I committed myself to the idea. I won’t allow myself to run when things get difficult, and in this particular instance the difficulty has been so much greater than ever expected. I blame, if that would be the correct word, part of this unexpected difficulty on simply being naive.
Even considering that I would have been naive about anything is a bit jarring. It comes from being so overly optimistic about life, which would probably also seem a bit strange to those that know me on more superficial levels. I’d generally describe myself as a realist, cynicism and optimism run together, but when something is so very important to me the optimism tends to win.
I’m not going to worry about it, or at least… I’m going to try very dilligently to not worry about it, and thus enjoy whatever it is for whatever it is. I’m not going to diminish the effort that I originally wanted to put into it.
So, last Wednesday, instead of just hanging out, I bought flowers and eight new pillar candles. I set them up around the lounge, to create just the right mood. I made dinner reservations for what could be considered one of the nicest restaurants in Chambersburg, and took him out for a real dinner. It was a wonderful evening, the sort where I’ll remember it permanently as such; as if it were our first real date, done right.