indiboi.com

If I could give Touch of Pink more than the maximum of five stars on Netflix I certainly would. It’s a true ‘you’ll laugh, you’ll cry’ sort of movie. Perhaps it’s just hitting a bit close to home, as it is said.

I can’t sleep anymore, at least not when I want to. I’ve tried to go to bed at a ‘reasonable hour’ every night for the past week. If I do manage to actually fall asleep I find myself waking up around 2 or 3 in the morning; that is when he’d normally be calling to ask me to open the door for him.

It’d be easy to say that I miss just that, having someone to share the mundane of our lives on a daily basis with, but it really goes beyond that. It would not fill the void if it were anyone else.

I miss that bashful uncertainty whenever I’d give him a compliment. I also miss that smile that would grow to each ear everytime I’d kiss him.

Then there are those moments that are extra special for no justifiable reason. I cherish that he was so incredibly nervous when we first went out, because I was too, just hiding it better.

On our second date he ordered a “Kiss Me Mocha” …I never did find out if ordered that with purpose or it was mere coincidence, or even if he noticed that I noticed. I had to resist the urge to right then fulfill that request… and spent the rest of that evening hoping that when I finally found the courage, that I’d be right in doing it.

My mother commented to me that she wished she had a man that would cook her dinner at two in the morning. I felt that he deserved something nice, and if the only way to provide that was cook a multi-course meal in the middle of the morning, I’d be doing it. It was Valentine’s Day, you’re supposed to go above and beyond… for those you love, or even someone you may in the future. I knew that I’d done something… worthwhile and good, something worth remembering… when he had tears in his eyes after giving him the flowers. I’m happy I could do that; bring someone happiness, even if briefly.

I keep waking up at three in the morning because I keep hoping that I’ll hear from him, that he’ll show up and want to see me. I think it’s pure delusion at this point, but I really do want to know what went wrong, and I still want to fix it… if it is indeed something that I can fix.

I keep walking this line between what might be better for him and just how much …agony… I can allow myself to go through. I don’t truly know if what he needs is to be alone, be apart from me, but I do want him to be happy… and as I hope he’d know, that’s always been my goal in the relationship.

I can’t apologize for something that I don’t know about, but I can forgive. I also will not apologize for those things I am aware of, if my reasons behind them will not be heard. I’ll be naive, I’ll say with all optomisim that I want to step backward, and just pick up wherever things did go off track… because, right now, all I really want is to see that smiling face of his, and to know… that at least just a tiny part of why is me. …because when I was smiling, he was much more than a tiny part.

I also tend to wonder if he actually read my letter….. If absolutely nothing else, I want this horrible sinking feeling to end.

He had suggested Tuesday night, which I found to be rather rude, that I email him whatever I wanted to say to him. I wasn’t going to do that. I wanted to actually talk with him, but barring that as it rapidly seemed to become an impossibility, a real letter seemed to be the next step.

Friday afternoon I sat down and wrote him a letter; cotton paper, brown ink applied with a dip pen, sealed with my initial in wax.

Early Friday evening, six thirty, I drove out to see him at work. I stopped and bought a single long stemmed red rose on the way. I drove through the parking lot and discovered he was not there. I drove back home defeated.

I almost tried again later that night, but the courage to do so was lacking.

Another night and day passed without seeing nor talking with him.
Read the rest of this entry »

I managed to make it through yesterday on thirteen cups of coffee.

I became suddenly obsessed Friday with my bedroom, mostly with the idea of turning it into more of a bedroom than a room with a bed. Most important was the need for clothing storage.

After talking over various options with the woman, my Matts, and Kate, I finally settled on getting the Ikea Stolmen system. Sunday I made a little trip down to College Park and spent a tiny fortune on just the first phase. Monday I set that up, and Tuesday I swapped around some furniture — moving office stuff into the office and likewise bedroom objects into the bedroom. As of right now the office, lounge, and bedroom are disaster zones, but there is potential for them to improve rapidly.

Friday was also the ‘humanity at its worst’ night. Matthew, Kate, and I went to both Deerpark and Denny’s. It was terrible. Terrible actually doesn’t begin to describe how awful it was. The worst thing about the last destination was that we didn’t even get to see the other Matt.

Sunday after my trip to Ikea I stopped in to see the other Matt and had a fairly decent little meal with him, at least in a manner of speaking. I asked him to stop by later on, but he sent a text message cancelling.

I expected to see him Monday, if not Monday then at least Tuesday. I sent him a text message inviting him to dinner, to which he never replied. When we spoke early Tuesday morning I invited him again to dinner here. I called later that night, he failed to answer or return the call. I then later found him in a chat room… him telling me he doesn’t want to talk, and that if he did he would have answered the phone. Not wanting to talk, yet being in a chat room, yeah, that’s what I thought too. The conversation from that point forward was considerably less than pleasant and I haven’t spoken with him since then.

When I went into that chat room on a whim to see if Matt might be in there, I also ran into Patrick and Travis. Patrick wanted to tell me I look good, or something along those lines, in that my weight loss is noticible and I should be proud. Travis was amazed to see me, or again something along those lines, and was curious as to why I hadn’t been online in months upon months. Cut to reality, it’s called “block” and tends to make one out of the know think the person online, really hasn’t been online. I also tend to avoid that chatroom, it’s filthy.

I spent most of Wednesday in bed, or otherwise just lounging around. Yesterday I finally found some motivation; however weak, and finished the customer survey for Positive Fusion. Conquering the utter terror of making it available for customers to actually take, I audited the database and sent out all of the notifications. Thus far the response has been rather positive, no pun intended, I particularly like being referred to as amazing.

Yesterday was also long awaited coffee and tea shopping with Matthew. We finally made it to the shop in Greencastle while they were still open, not that we’d tried before and found them closed of course. They were sold out of the Kona that I’d been so desiring, very unfortunate. I did get a recommendation for something similar, but of course there isn’t anything else quite like Kona. This Bali coffee is fairly good though, even if it does look a bit more like tea than coffee when in the cup. I also bought a half pound of Manhattan Early Grey, which is by far my favorite black tea. A half pound of tea is a hell of a lot of tea, btw, enough to last a very long time.

My day today has been extremely unproductive. I’ve sat here since since 9:30, which means I slept in considerably in comparision to the last few days of waking up at 6:30. I’ve read a few emails, banged my head on the desk trying to get cPanel’s piece of shit support request system to interface with my own, basically just sifting through suggestions from the survey. In addition to lazing around with work I’ve also done two loads of laundry, a much needed and less than fabulous activity.

I also noticed this morning that my boyfriend has changed his profile to indicate he’s single.

Major changes have been happening over at Positive Fusion, but I’m going to take a moment to bitch about Internet Explorer.

Okay, it’s the same ol’ same ol’, really. One writes valid, semantic, xhtml… IE butchers it all to hell.