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I still love this photo… Huzzah for boys kissing at the National Gallery of Art, right?

I want to wipe him off the face of the earth like the steaming pile that he is. I kept thinking, over the past couple of months, that if I was the type that would get involved in business that matters not to me; I would have warned him of the eventual shitstorm that would likely occur. So here we are, his foolish attempt to level things out better than he did with me… I know it won’t happen, because he’s a git. I feel sorry for him… and I feel sorry for the person I despise for taking something from him that was to be mine.

Not that it would make any difference now, but if he regrets what he has done on such a level, why not attempt to make up for it? I guess that’s a fundamental personality difference, one that I never noticed during our relationship. I do my very best to avoid doing wrong to anyone and if it should happen, I do make a conscious attempt to atone for it.

He’s right though, with at least one thing, I didn’t deserve the shit he gave me… nor do I deserve to still hurt almost a year later from seeing him. For a moment I wanted to help him… I guess that, and this entire entry for that matter, proves I still give a damn — even if I’d give just about anything to completely forget the entire experience.

I still miss davey and quite truthfully I hate that I do. Intellectually I wouldn’t want anything to do with him if I were to meet him now, because he’s continuing to spiral downward into this mess of a person. It seems harsh to say that, but… it is how I feel afterall.

The closest thing I can compare it to, if I had to… and I think I do… is Stephen and our separation of sorts. He was always a very difficult person to live with… even be friends with… since most anyone, unfortunately, that was a friend of mine could barely tolerate him. It just grew to a point one day… something a stupid as a pair of pants was the final straw… I remember driving out of this shopping center north of Pittsburgh basically screaming that he’s getting on a plane and going back to California. I guess it was the kind of thing that one thinks, but doesn’t say… until it just errupts. I eventually calmed down and changed my mind… I didn’t want to abandon him… and on a more selfish level I didn’t want to be alone… even if it meant being a bit… err, very, unhappy sometimes.

I suppose I was just as determined back then… not wanting to admit failure or accept defeat. I don’t remember how much time had passed, but I finally had reached an agreement and saved enough money so that I could get my Tiburon back. Joel and I had also been talking again… and I guess I needed a vacation or something… maybe I was trying to see if it was more worthwhile to be with him, I just don’t know.. I never knew, really, what I was thinking. Part of me wanted Stephen to come with me to Baltimore… spend that weekend with him, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t come.

Being with Joel wasn’t what I had hoped it would be, I was dissapointed from the very first moment of seeing him… it seemed like such a waste of effort in a way… from Pittsburgh to Baltimore… for a hug, some alcohol… nothing much more. We were, as always, looking for different things… I suppose I was hoping to restart our relationship… hah, listen to me… I’m living with this guy, mostly on a level of friendship at that point… a strained one at that… I guess it wasn’t so ridiculous to go see my exboyfriend, eh? …It was a mistake. It may have had nothing to do with it, but right as I was leaving to return to Pittsburgh Stephen phoned and told me that he had a plane ticket back to California. I was devastated.

I had never felt to terrible so quickly… part of me didn’t want to continue at all.

I wouldn’t speak to him once I got back… I came into the apartment, put my stuff down and went outside to smoke. I came back inside, and started drinking… anything alcoholic. I sat down at my computer and just started crying without end. I don’t want to say that he was oblivious, but… he would ask me what was wrong… and put his arms around me. I hated every second of that, because it only made it worse. I’ve not thought about this period for a very long time, but even to this day I detest him touching me. If it was going to be over I wanted it to be over… at least at the time I did.

Melanie was away visiting friends or parents or something that week… he slept in her room. I suppose a few days later my feelings changed to more of a desire to take every moment we had and cherish it; either that or I wanted to convince him to stay. It wasn’t working.

I found out that the bakery I managed was sold… I couldn’t stand the new owner… the morning I found out I quit. I went home and started packing and left the next day, leaving Stephen alone. I remember wanting to hold him that night though… he wouldn’t let me. I said something to him… that someday he’ll love someone like I love him… and he’ll understand. I don’t know if that has ever been proven true.

I previously wrote about going back a week later to see him before he left… He wouldn’t talk to me. I couldn’t understand it then, but I do now.. I guess. I didn’t know what to do in such a situation… it was a bit passive agressive or something… the basic ‘You’re leaving me? …no, I’ll leave you first!’ sort of thing.

It was two years before we spoke again on a friendly basis. It’s more weird because it is as though we never had a relationship… it’s cold, but then he just blurts out rather intimate things. It feels like… well, if I was sitting a cafe and some random guy came up and started talking to me about things that… normally wouldn’t be spoken to a stranger. I suppose I had grown comfortable with the idea of him being gone forever… When you want someone back in your life so badly… but ultimately realize it isn’t going to happen… then what seems like forever later… there they are… like nothing had ever happened.

Like how I feel towards davey… I wouldn’t like him… I don’t think I like Stephen… very much, but I love him… the level of intimacy, emotional bonding between us from our time together; it just doesn’t go away… ever. Now that he’s back I don’t want to be without him, but in that same thought I do somewhat wish we would still be strangers. It feels not as though we know each other, but we know of each other. I can’t explain it. It’s almost movie-esque; meeting your highschool love once you’ve matured… having this mindset of what they’re like, but realizing they are nothing at all like the person you’d fallen in love with.

I’m not the same person either though… I hope I’m changed for the better, but being one’s own judge is never the same as the judgement of another.

Ultimately though, regardless of bitterness, I so strongly hope that davey finds the security and happiness that he needs… without further compromising his health, safety, or losing any more of the beauty that attracted me.

You know, I’m not sure if I find it sadly funny, ironic, or just plain sickening that davey is so concerned over the well-being of someone that treats him relatively poorly from an outsider’s point of view… that someone who is both an addict and dealer from all reasonable conclusions, wanting to be all caring and compassionate when his girlfriend dies in a car accident… but wouldn’t even return my call or talk to me when my dad dies. Bitter, yes, damn right I’m bitter about it… It just goes to show how shallow and hypocritical he is… it pisses me off that I never noticed it before… it was only after he started to treat me as though I never existed that I first realized that all his friends think he is an asshole… which I suppose would explain why they’ve all dropped him. I want to tell him off… hell I want to leave the impression of my fist on his face… but ultimately he’s not worth the effort, so I’ll just bitch about it, which still is a waste of my energy.

I never wanted the behaviour of people to change me for the worse, but… it happened. I don’t trust anyone, and moreso I grow more weary of expending any effort toward anyone… perhaps I’m a bit too egotistical about it, too demanding, but… it doesn’t really seem like anybody is really worth my time.