indiboi.com

I really should sleep… otherwise I may wish for things that are beyond the realm of possible.

It never ceases to astound me at how stupid Davey is… but that’s almost another whole entry upon itself. My tolerance has ended for that sort of thing it seems, because I know I didn’t do anything to deserve the sort of alienation and mistreatment that he has thrust upon me. It bothers me to an extent that is beyond words, it amounts to pure cruelty. I’ll say that I wish him happiness, and I suppose I do, but deep within me I know he won’t find it, he has a long way to go before he becomes someone that another without a depth of patience and commitment will be able to tolerate. He can keep running as much as he wants, eventually I’ll grow tired of worrying about it, if that hasn’t happened already, because it’s so ridiculous and pathetic; because he’s not running from me, he’s running from himself, and until he stops to deal with his ‘demons’ they’ll always affect him. There’s nothing I can do about it, a beautiful boy with a cruel soul and flimsy heart.

I was thinking lastnight about this a bit, and I know I’ve said that this wouldn’t ever be a mistake because it made me happy, this relationship with Davey. Lastnight I think I changed my mind, and now I consider it a mistake… in the “what was I thinking?” sort of way, I should have known better, I should never have become so attached to someone that was nowhere near my emotional maturity or age. I’ve always been cynical, but I sometimes can overcome it if I try, but I think this has put me onto the track of permanent cynicism, because, well, I can trust absolutely no one truly, I’ve learned that.

I do make an exception for DaVe though, just because I’ve gone through hell with him already… before I even met Davey, and despite how he drives me crazy (though he hasn’t for a long while now), I trust him just about as much as I’ll probably ever be able to trust again… He’s proven to me his “commitment” to me, I guess, in the form that works… whatever that may actually be.

Everything lately has been plagued by setbacks… to the point I was about to just breakdown and start throwing things the day before yesterday… Nothing at all worked the way it should, I was seriously sick of having to go to lowes… I was there three times in one day, and you know I still need to go back; Home Depot twice in a 12 hour period too. I think nearly everything is done though, just need to tidy up after the cyclone of room changes. I figured suddenly that if I was to be in this room nearly constantly that I should at least have a workstation and organization that was sensible, so I guess we’ll see if I actually was successful in that pursuit.

Saturday the server went down four goddamn times, for no apparent reason… it doesn’t make any sense. Oh, here’s a note for friends of mine, don’t page me when the server is blipping, I already know about it 99% of the time, since I get paged from the monitoring service after five minutes when it cannot connect.

DaVe might be coming down tomorrow, his messages were kind of cryptic… I dunno, I’m not getting excited about it, just so I am not too terribly let down when he doesn’t show up.

I was looking over one of today’s journal entries from last year and it referenced the boy meets boy comic strip… the one that Davey and I often said was very much like our relationship.

I hadn’t read the strip very much, if at all, since Davey was here… but seeing that prompted me to go look… so I decided to look at August & September…

Art imitates life, life imitates art, either way… Harley and Mik were breaking up then too… hah… …of course in the fictional world they’re back to together, in the real world, well… no reason to rehash that one.

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Is it okay to say I hate him?…of course I don’t, but maybe I could convince myself… *sigh* …because I have this growing desire to do really evil things… as the disgruntled ex-boyfriend… …*Sigh* …he makes it too easy, I have issues with this.

Even through how horribly davey has treated me… I love him just as much right now as I ever have, painfully so. The idea of him with someone else…. it’s dreadful. I accept that there is nothing I can do, I just hope that someday he and I will be able to talk about our time together and the end of our relationship, it’s important to me. I really hope he takes care of himself… isn’t so excessive as he has been… I can’t help but worry about him, even if he thinks his feelings weren’t real… mine always were. He brought me real happiness, probably the first person to really make me feel good about myself. I just can’t describe how much this hurts… every moment is agony… and I don’t see any end.

My day has been completely wretched. I awake to find the server was down again… a result of faulty ram most likely. I had a dentist appointment, two teeth pulled, still extremely painful… The data centre swapped out the ram tonight while I was having dinner at my aunt and uncle’s with my family… so I rushed back thinking that the server had crashed… it hadn’t of course.

I’m having panic attacks… I’m severely stressed… I’m getting worried… …about holding myself together. I want to see Andrew… I remember I guess… summer of last year maybe it was… he made me feel good, err, maybe it was even earlier in the year, I don’t remember… the more the love for davey developed the more wrong it seemed to spend time with him… I don’t know, I just want someone to hold me…

I want to see DaVe again… as my life seems to cascade into further disaster… the idea just seems very comforting… I guess I’m more dissapointed that we won’t be spending new years together… and I guess it sort of bothers me more than I expected…

The server situation is horrendous… I’ve been dealing with it nearly all day… and I’m beyond exhausted. It’s one problem after another… and I’m powerless to really do anything about it.