indiboi.com

Yesterday the two bme scrapbooks arrived… In davey’s block-o-thon of me I told him I’d send it, maybe I still will, someday, but I don’t think it would do any good to send him an expensive book containing a photo of us kissing… at least any time soon.

I botched making candy lastnight, not really sure how… but I tried again and it worked out fine, so it was some sort of fluke or something.. but it was massively frustrating… I got to tell DaVe my story of woe regarding it at least.

Uhm… I’m feeling really awful… more than I have in a very long time, and I just don’t know what to do about it.

Davey blocked me… instead of changing aim screen names again… and through my attempts he continued to block every SN I used, so it’s crystal clear to me now.

His love wasn’t real, I was lead on, I was lied to, the great love I felt… it never really existed… and he won’t even tell me. It was all pretend.

This horrible feeling when I think of Davey? My whole body reacts, my arms and legs lose their strength, my breathing becomes difficult, my heart beats faster than I can imagine. I really miss him… and not understanding what happened makes it even worse. I suppose I meant to add this lastnight…. I was on the couch, the one we spent so much time on, and I just wanted to be with him, to talk with him. It hurts.

I can’t help but feel that this was all a delusion; a lie, the person I have loved more than any other, that he never really loved me anyway.

I suppose I have come to the conclusion that there is no loyalty, no all-encompassing love. There is no lasting happiness possible; everything that one is given is promptly taken away. The only one worthy of trust is myself, and even sometimes that is questionable; for all the strengths there is weakness, weakness of the heart, soul, mind, of faith.

I was wrong… this is as good as it gets. The happiness over the last year was nothing more than a facade hiding how I really feel, and that is empty and relatively worthless in all that really matters. The truth is… I have finally given up; there are just a few more things I need to do yet.

“It’s not going to stop… until you wise up… so just give up.”

I just can’t believe how heartless Davey is…. it’s seriously tearing me apart inside… I’m glad DaVe is here. For me it seems that everyday is becoming just a little bit more difficult, I’m kind of sitting on the edge of my bed, iBook on the desk chair… I can’t sleep… at all, the only solace to being in bed is that I’m near DaVe… it just gives me comfort to be able to hold him within my arms… sadly though there will be these pulses of thought… and I think of Davey. It really bothers me… my losses are profound, someone that I did expect to spend the rest of my life with, and then my father… I feel fragile… on emotional thin ice, that just keeps getting thinner.

I’ve said some unpleasant things about DaVe over the years, mostly out of frustration… and I seemed to have lost the memories of what made him so wonderful… I don’t know if I’m wording that the way I intend to or not… but, like I mentioned in my previous entry… having him there with me and the family lastnight… I really don’t think I’d be making it through these days as well without him.

Bah… I’m feeling a bit emotional, maybe I should get him to stop hogging the bed so I can try to sleep more, heh.

I just don’t have the energy to write about the memorial service… and if I were to, since the simple thought brings me to tears… I’d be more of a mess than I care to be.

I’ve been extremely occupied over the past few days, so I’ve not had much time to talk with anyone or write. Monday morning I wrote out nearly $1000 in cheques to keep the household running until the life insurance pays; getting the bills organized and trying to understand how everything works, what’s due and when, etc… unfortunately it turns out that nearly everything was due Monday or Tuesday, so it was good that we got that started Monday morning. This does put a bit of a dent in the plans for server upgrades, since I had to redirect the money for that.

I had phoned Davey again on Sunday and also sent him an email; he’s not called me back nor replied. It’s a bit unbelievable… that I’ve pretty much accepted that he’s completely heartless.

The memorial service is tonight at 7pm.

I went and bought a suit yesterday morning, dear god how I hate the mall; that place has gone downhill so quickly… it wasn’t even busy, but finding someone to assist was damn near impossible. It seems that because of my generally ‘punkish’ appearance I’m being descriminated against… one place I was planning on buying the suit really sort of infuriated me; there were two people re-organizing dress shirts, and completely ignored me as if I was invisible… I put the clothes down, said that this store didn’t deserve my money and walked out. Oh, it turns out that these suits run on the small side. I was a bit surprised at the size jacket I had to get…. didn’t think I was that big, lol… but I assumed that the pants would be standardized a bit more perhaps… so I didn’t bother trying them on. The size pants that normally require a belt else they’ll fall off when I put the weight of my wallet into them, well… I can’t even get them closed, so it’s off to exchange them this morning.

Something horrible was happening with the server lastnight/this morning, on top of that it took nearly an hour to get someone at the data centre to reboot it… then later on this morning it happened again! I’m still not 100% sure exactly what happened, but I’ve not really had the time to investigate the logs much either though.

DaVe is here, presently sleeping… I just got too anxious and had to get up, did some work and now I’m writing this. When I told him what happened, hmm, I guess it was Sunday night, he immediately made arrangements to come down from Ohio to spend some time here, he arrived around 11:30pm lastnight. I can’t really express how comforting it is that he’s come to spend some time here, I definitely appreciate it, beyond words really. It’s been almost two years since we’ve seen each other. It’s a striking contrast… the one I expected, or should say hoped, would show me the most compassion has shown none whatsoever, and while DaVe and I are very close, him driving the five+ hours to get here, getting off from work, etc… very unexpected.

Thank you to everyone that has wished my family and me well through email and comments. With everything that has been happening, that I’ve needed to do, it’s hard to sleep, and in reality I’ve not even begun to deal with this. There are still a few of my friends that rarely read this site… that I know I haven’t told, but I don’t really have the energy, and truly, apart from kind words, it wouldn’t make much of a difference anyway.

I’m now going back to my relatively warm bed, currently occupied by DaVe.